Saturday 28 January 2012

The lucky one

I'm sure that this is a common experience for people in situations similar to mine.  I've actually lived alone at various points in my life and mostly I've found it O.K.  My current situation is not remotely like that, because I'm not alone.  But for great long stretches of the day I might as well be, since S has at least one foot in a parallel universe where she often uses my name and appears to be talking to me but is actually talking to someone else.  Very often I hear her, during her conversations with the figments of her imagination, addressing someone else as 'Love' and using the exact tone of voice that she used to use to me, and still does occasionally in brief lucid moments.

To S, for much of the time, I might as well be part of the furniture.  She knows who I am and, fortunately for me, will respond to me briefly when I need to get her to do something, like eat enough so that she doesn't lose any more weight.  (One positive note in an otherwise rather bleak post  -  she's started to put on weight.)  These interactions sometimes lead to tense and tearful conversations, on both sides, but she clearly understands and believes me when I tell her I'm trying to help and we nearly always get whatever job it is done in the end because of her essentially helpful nature.  So I'm lucky in that respect.  But she shows hardly any interest in what I'm feeling, thinking, doing or saying (but still does, very occasionally) and that is what leaves me feeling a kind of loneliness that is almost indescribable.

I have great and invaluable support from family and friends but nothing can replace or compensate for what I have already lost and what I continue to lose day by day.  I never forget though that S has lost, and will lose, a whole lot more.  Despite what you sometimes hear from other people, I'm actually the lucky one.  I try not forget that when I'm almost at my wit's end.

5 comments:

  1. Many thanks for your kind and helpful comments, Maria. I'll certainly try this.

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    1. Hello again, I've had a quick look on the internet for companies which would deliver to you. Sainsburys John Lewis and Amazon all stock materials such as Play-doh, but "Play.com" has the best choice and free delivery, I especially like the large bucket of plasticine!
      If this all seems a bit pricy, you can make play dough yourself, cooked or uncooked, just Google "play dough recipe".
      I used to teach pottery to intellectually challenged young people, and found that they not only enjoyed it, but were often calmed also.
      Best wishes, M.

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  2. Thanks Maria, this is very good of you. We actually have a couple of craft shops near us where I could get stuff when the paid carer is here. I think I might start with plasticine and then if S shows any interest try clay.
    Thanks again.

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    1. Oh yes, excellent!
      Let's hope it might ignite for S, images of playing with her children in happy times.
      Best wishes, M.

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  3. I understand that feeling of their not being interested in our lives. Mom went through that for about 3 months and it so hurt my feelings that she never asked what was I doing, how were the kids, etc. With vascular dementia you sometimes get better before going downhill again, and for the last 2 months she's actually asked if I've sold any houses, how is Tera doing in san Antonio, how is Jeff's new job, have Derek and Lauren decided to start a family yet, I remember when they got married. Those type of comments actually feel like my Mom is back. Of course, there are some days she's just focused in on the "hunt" the rummaging, but I get a couple days a week that she's back. thankful for those times.

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